JOKE OF THE DAY (WEEK, MONTH)

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete.... She is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.  She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones, however.  It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, ICU.

==================================================

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up." 

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

==================================================

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" 

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" 

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

========================================================= 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank like a stone to the bottom and stayed there. 

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. 

When he went to tell her the news, he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. "The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses". "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with the belt of his robe. I am so sorry, but he's dead. 

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

==================================================

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
-Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

================================================== 

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." 
-Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

==================================================

I was performing a complete physical,including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. 
-Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

================================================================

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see... Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. 
-Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

================================================================

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years-when my husband was alive." 
-Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

================================================================

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." -Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

================================================================

A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." 
-Carl Scholdberg, Sr. DBA, Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Kansas City

==================================================

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." 

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" 

"Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

===================================================

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

==================================================

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else
must have shot that bear."

"Exactly" replied the doctor.

=======================================

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said: "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you will be released."

=============================================

"An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his left
leg that doesn't heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The
doctor checks out his leg, but can't find anything wrong. So he
gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can't come up with
any possible explanation for the pain.

The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, "I'm sorry, but the
pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there's nothing I can
do about it."

The old man replies with a look of disbelief, "That's impossible!
It is illogical! That just can't be!"

The doctor says, "What do you mean? I'm the expert here; if you know
so much, how can you say it's NOT old age?"

The patient answers, "I'm no doctor, but it doesn't take a medical
degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong. Clearly you're mistaken.
After all, my right leg feels just fine."

"So what?" says the doctor in a bit of a professional huff, "What
difference does that make?"

"Well the right one doesn't hurt a bit, and it's exactly the same age!"

===========================================

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient.

===========================================

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'." * won't admit his name .